South Park meets Eminem feat. Fight Club

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's not you, it's me...

Are you desperate? Does your girlfriend/boyfriend piss you off in such a manner that you want to rip your arm off and smack her/him with it? Don't know how to get out of a relashionship that is driving you crazy? It's easy - just leave. No, I'm not speaking metaphorically. LEAVE. Take your stuff and walk away. Cut the evil from the root. And if you're afraid he/she might follow you, just leave behind a letter. To make things easier, here's a template to help you:

Dear [their name],

By now, you must realize that I am gone, and that I am not coming back.

Don't feel responsible-it's not you, it's me. My [ busy career / expensive drug habit / intense racquetball schedule / fascination with on-line pornography ] prevents me from committing to a serious relationship.

Besides, you deserve better. You deserve someone who appreciates all of your most special qualities, especially the cute way you [ leave your toenail clippings on the couch / sing along when you don't know the lyrics / feign naivete when I suggest you do laundry / scarf down two pints of Ben & Jerry's while watching Ally McBeal reruns ].

Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you [ asked me to pull your finger / made me lie about my religion to your parents / brought home a bucket of KFC on my birthday ]!

They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon you will be able to [ love again / like again /speak my name without sobbing / speak coherently to another person of the opposite gender ]. When this time comes, I hope that we will be [ good friends / fake phony superficial friends / in different states / as far apart as humanly possible ].

Love Always, / Love, / Warm regards, / Fondly, / Adios,

[Your Name]


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