South Park meets Eminem feat. Fight Club

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's not you, it's me...

Are you desperate? Does your girlfriend/boyfriend piss you off in such a manner that you want to rip your arm off and smack her/him with it? Don't know how to get out of a relashionship that is driving you crazy? It's easy - just leave. No, I'm not speaking metaphorically. LEAVE. Take your stuff and walk away. Cut the evil from the root. And if you're afraid he/she might follow you, just leave behind a letter. To make things easier, here's a template to help you:

Dear [their name],

By now, you must realize that I am gone, and that I am not coming back.

Don't feel responsible-it's not you, it's me. My [ busy career / expensive drug habit / intense racquetball schedule / fascination with on-line pornography ] prevents me from committing to a serious relationship.

Besides, you deserve better. You deserve someone who appreciates all of your most special qualities, especially the cute way you [ leave your toenail clippings on the couch / sing along when you don't know the lyrics / feign naivete when I suggest you do laundry / scarf down two pints of Ben & Jerry's while watching Ally McBeal reruns ].

Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you [ asked me to pull your finger / made me lie about my religion to your parents / brought home a bucket of KFC on my birthday ]!

They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon you will be able to [ love again / like again /speak my name without sobbing / speak coherently to another person of the opposite gender ]. When this time comes, I hope that we will be [ good friends / fake phony superficial friends / in different states / as far apart as humanly possible ].

Love Always, / Love, / Warm regards, / Fondly, / Adios,

[Your Name]

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Seven easy steps to deal with your boss

Yeap ... here it is ... the guide to help you deal with those little pesky nuisances bugging your professional life.
Maybe you were looking for a "User's Guide" or just another method in order to deal with the associated stress (professional help may be another way...but that's a little bit expensive or time consuming).You found it.

Here is a short 7 step list of things to do:

1)Stupid questions -> stupid answers;
Let me get this very straight. When your boss is asking a stupid question the answer should be shocking. Make them feel the stupidity. Make them shiver. They will be afraid of asking any stupid questions (or they will fire you).You can call this method the Russian roulette.

2)Keep it simple

Try to phrase every single idea in a single word. Try to use "yes" or "no" as often as possible. The best answer for all the questions is "we need to think about it".You put the things on hold with this one. This method is guaranteed to piss off even the Zen-master types.

3)Imagination
If you feel a little on the edge during a conversation with your boss try our self-control method. Just imagine that he is standing on a toilet seat with a digestion problem and he is pushing very hard...it will always bring that winner's smile on your face.

4)Even voice
Keep the same tempo and a low voice. Usually with this method you can cause a heart attack. They will yell and curse until they will either run out of breath or out of blood. Best used in conjunction with method nr.3 for remarkable results.

5)Feed them with false information
Nice one. Just try to adjust the reports or data that you are sending in an elegant way. Do it before big management meetings. When they will see that you screwed them (usually during the meeting) ask them if they noticed the small text on the bottom of the page notifying that the data is subject to change without prior notice. They will be thorn apart by the upper-management. This is a good method to be promoted with a smile on the face. Remember to present the correct information and to appear as a savior.

6)Keep them informed
If they ever mention the fact that you are too independent, try to apply this method. Keep them informed on every action that you perform. You need to go to the restroom - send an email, the pen is not working properly - call them, the phone is ringing - ask them what should you do. It's risky since you might get seen as a complete moron...but..what the hell..you don't have anything to loose anymore. Show them that you mean business and that you can go on like this for years.

7)It's good to be evil
This is a very simple and straight-forward rule. Forget about ethics and good will. It's a dog eat dog world out there and you should not be a small fish in a pond full of sharks. Read Machiavelli and the Borgia family history...that will at least send you on the right track. If you have a boss it's your duty to take his place using every possible mean. Hey...this is how he\she got there in the first place so why don't give them a feeling of insecurity?

Please feel free to share with us more valuable information...