South Park meets Eminem feat. Fight Club

Friday, January 27, 2006

Back to the... 70's?!

What the hell is going on?! For the past year, I couldn't help noticing an increasing trend of 70's fashion, music and general lifestyle swarming through our daily, 21st Century lives. Am I the only one bothered by this? I'm pretty sure that's not the case... Still, why is this happening? Did all of the creativity and immagination die and we have to go back 30-40 years ago to get some inspiration? And in most cases it's not just inspiration, it's pure theft.

Ripped-out and worn-out jeans, afro haircuts, big sunglasses, Madonna... anything ringing a bell? All of this was hugely popular during the 70's and 80's and so it is today. Aren't we supposed to move forward and not backward? Wake up and smell the microprocessors, people! If you can't come up with something original, then just QUIT. Retire to some God-forsaken island with your Tom Jones albums and let us develop and advance.

It seems that these days all you have to do to be in fashion is to open up grandma's wardrobe, pick anything that is in reach, and you're a star! Pretty soon it will be mustaches, big hair, fake nails and Jacksons 5 all over the place! If my grandmother knew how much her shoes will be worth today and how trendy she'll be, she would've bought more!

Hell, if we're going this way I'll be able to relive my life in a few years...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's not you, it's me...

Are you desperate? Does your girlfriend/boyfriend piss you off in such a manner that you want to rip your arm off and smack her/him with it? Don't know how to get out of a relashionship that is driving you crazy? It's easy - just leave. No, I'm not speaking metaphorically. LEAVE. Take your stuff and walk away. Cut the evil from the root. And if you're afraid he/she might follow you, just leave behind a letter. To make things easier, here's a template to help you:

Dear [their name],

By now, you must realize that I am gone, and that I am not coming back.

Don't feel responsible-it's not you, it's me. My [ busy career / expensive drug habit / intense racquetball schedule / fascination with on-line pornography ] prevents me from committing to a serious relationship.

Besides, you deserve better. You deserve someone who appreciates all of your most special qualities, especially the cute way you [ leave your toenail clippings on the couch / sing along when you don't know the lyrics / feign naivete when I suggest you do laundry / scarf down two pints of Ben & Jerry's while watching Ally McBeal reruns ].

Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you [ asked me to pull your finger / made me lie about my religion to your parents / brought home a bucket of KFC on my birthday ]!

They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon you will be able to [ love again / like again /speak my name without sobbing / speak coherently to another person of the opposite gender ]. When this time comes, I hope that we will be [ good friends / fake phony superficial friends / in different states / as far apart as humanly possible ].

Love Always, / Love, / Warm regards, / Fondly, / Adios,

[Your Name]

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Seven easy steps to deal with your boss

Yeap ... here it is ... the guide to help you deal with those little pesky nuisances bugging your professional life.
Maybe you were looking for a "User's Guide" or just another method in order to deal with the associated stress (professional help may be another way...but that's a little bit expensive or time consuming).You found it.

Here is a short 7 step list of things to do:

1)Stupid questions -> stupid answers;
Let me get this very straight. When your boss is asking a stupid question the answer should be shocking. Make them feel the stupidity. Make them shiver. They will be afraid of asking any stupid questions (or they will fire you).You can call this method the Russian roulette.

2)Keep it simple

Try to phrase every single idea in a single word. Try to use "yes" or "no" as often as possible. The best answer for all the questions is "we need to think about it".You put the things on hold with this one. This method is guaranteed to piss off even the Zen-master types.

If you feel a little on the edge during a conversation with your boss try our self-control method. Just imagine that he is standing on a toilet seat with a digestion problem and he is pushing very will always bring that winner's smile on your face.

4)Even voice
Keep the same tempo and a low voice. Usually with this method you can cause a heart attack. They will yell and curse until they will either run out of breath or out of blood. Best used in conjunction with method nr.3 for remarkable results.

5)Feed them with false information
Nice one. Just try to adjust the reports or data that you are sending in an elegant way. Do it before big management meetings. When they will see that you screwed them (usually during the meeting) ask them if they noticed the small text on the bottom of the page notifying that the data is subject to change without prior notice. They will be thorn apart by the upper-management. This is a good method to be promoted with a smile on the face. Remember to present the correct information and to appear as a savior.

6)Keep them informed
If they ever mention the fact that you are too independent, try to apply this method. Keep them informed on every action that you perform. You need to go to the restroom - send an email, the pen is not working properly - call them, the phone is ringing - ask them what should you do. It's risky since you might get seen as a complete moron...but..what the don't have anything to loose anymore. Show them that you mean business and that you can go on like this for years.

7)It's good to be evil
This is a very simple and straight-forward rule. Forget about ethics and good will. It's a dog eat dog world out there and you should not be a small fish in a pond full of sharks. Read Machiavelli and the Borgia family history...that will at least send you on the right track. If you have a boss it's your duty to take his place using every possible mean. Hey...this is how he\she got there in the first place so why don't give them a feeling of insecurity?

Please feel free to share with us more valuable information...

Monday, October 31, 2005

What pisses me off this week.... Fanboys

... or fan-girls for that matter... It’s those people that know everything there is available about a certain celebrity, or, even worst, about a video game. They get ecstatic whenever they get near this “dream person” and start screaming, fainting andlooking stupid with every occasion. How does someone turn into such a thing? Are their lives so empty that they need to fill them with someone else’s life? I’m pretty sure they’re not born that way... So most likely the media hype around these people made some weak souls become die-hard fans. The problem is that these people won’t accept anything that comes in contradiction with their perfect image of this person. They’re able to accept any flaw or reject any argument that would damage their idol. I wonder if they would do the same for people that they actually know and that have more impact on their lives... Because, in the end, they don’t actually KNOW these people... most of them have never met them or at the most have seen them from a distance. A lot of these “stars” have major issues – if you take away all the money and the media – you’re left with some average Joe that beats his wife and spends all his money on booze. Some of them are indeed very good at what they do – hats off to them. But, come to think about it, they’re not that special. There are also other people that are very good in their work field, but you don’t see them walking around and having every action overanalyzed by crazed fans and media. Uuuuuh, Brad Pitt just scratched himself! And not only that, he used his left arm to do it! Oh My God, he’s soooo cuuuuuuteee! Jeeezzz! To all fans: wake up and stop idolizing people that sometimes are not even better than you or me. Some of them deserve our respect because they indeed bring something valuable in the world, but even so, it’s not worth fainting when you meet them! Hell, given the proper time and marketing, even Charles Manson would have his own fan club!


Saturday, October 15, 2005

For Women

Now I have to admit that this is not very original, but it was too good not to publish... So here it goes:

For all women:

Learn to deal with the toilet seat. You're grown up girls, right? If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining that you left it down.

Anniversaries are not some tests for you to see if we are able find the perfect gift!

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Deal with it.

Sundays = sports. It's like full moon or seasons changing. Leave it like that.

Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always sexier than short hair. One of the main reasons men fear marriage is because married women cut their hair and then they're stuck with her.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we won't be able to see things another way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's get one thing straight: subtle hints don't work! usual hints don't work! strong hints don't work! Just ask!

Mark anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us in due time.

Most men have maximmum 3(yes, three) pair of shoes. What in the world makes you think we can help you choose which one of the 30 pairs you have will go with THAT dress?!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers for almost any question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want us to help you solve it. For compasion go talk with your girlfriends.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check the oil pressure. We dare you...

Whatever we said 6 moths ago is irrelevant. Actually, any comment we made is null and void after more than 7 days.

If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. If you really know the best way to do it, do it yourself.

Whenever possible, say what you have to say during commercial breaks.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Our relashionship will never be like it was in the first 2 months. Live with it. And stop complaining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

We can't read your mind and we never will. Even so, it doesn't mean we don't care about you.

If we ask you what's wrong and you say "Nothing", we'll act as such. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth it.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer for, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we are thinking of, unless you are prepared to talk sports, cars or computers.

We have enough clothes.

You have too many clothes.

It's neither our or your best interest to take tests together. Doesn't matter what kind of test.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I'll have to sleep on the couch tonight, but it's ok. It'll be like camping.

How to piss people off

No, the answer isn’t by making pranks or scratching their car (although I can admit the latter is sometimes a very attractive alternative). It’s all in the attitude. And here’s how to do it:

- Imagine that you have to wake up early on a rainy Monday morning to get to work. It doesn’t sound very pleasant, does it? Well, it’s not, and it’s not going to be pleasant for the people that meet you… Your face can tell them to fuck off better than a thousand words.

- Keep your answers short. This doesn’t mean that they have to be clear as well… Use the “Mushroom” theory – keep them in the dark and feed them shit. Use “NO” as much as possible, even when (or especially when) it’s obvious that it should be a “YES”.

- Make sure you mock and make fun of what they do or say. Of course, don’t overdo it. But whenever you have the chance, hit them hard. Mean jokes about their looks or things they have done and made the mistake of telling you about it usually have a huge impact on people.

- Be stubborn. Things have to be done your way or not at all. Chances are that you will meet someone as stubborn as you, so this will be a battle of wills… But if you win it, the world is yours for the taking.

How to not give a fuck

Did you recently hear some gossip about you and you got really pissed at some people? Did your girlfriend/boyfriend leave you or did your boss yell at you for no reason at all? How much time and energy do you spend worrying about what other people think of your actions, behavior and general attitude? I can tell you for sure – too much. It’s time to let it all go, it’s time to learn how to not give a fuck about all this. And we can help you do it.

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself “How does this affect me personally?” Most of the time people get excited about things that have absolutely no impact on their lives. Usually this happens in the case of a gossip or rumor and you get caught in the middle. But really – why give a fuck about it? If it’s true – than you know it and they know it, so there’s no need to get pissed. If it’s not true, than you’re not affected. Why? Because the people that REALLY know you and that REALLY matter won’t give a fuck about it ‘cause they know the truth. Worst case scenario – if there are no such people, than you are the one that knows the truth and you don’t need to worry.

Next step: “How important is this?” It’s that little things that get you, right? WRONG. This can also be called “The greater evil theory” – you need to realize that other, more important things, could’ve happened and could’ve impacted your life with a greater force than your boss yelling at you for example.

Getting closer now: “What can/could I do/have done to prevent this?” And I mean something that could’ve made a difference. Most of the time you will realize that the answer to this is: “Nothing.” So then, why give a fuck about it? If there is something that you could have done – ok, lesson learned, let’s move along…

Do you really want others to dictate everything that you say, think or do? If so, then you are on the wrong website… If not, then get the fuck up, be proud of what you are, grab the world by the balls and squeeze it hard to get what you want – otherwise it’s going to be the other way around! FUCK’EM ALL!